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Day 1 – Something you hate about your self

Hate is such a strong word. It isn’t a word I use lightly either. There are things I dislike about myself, but hate…let me think about it.

I am entirely too impatient. I have the patience of a gnat. I pray constantly for patience. I watch myself slowly melt down because of my impatience. Road rage is common occurrence for me. This year I have tried to minimize the need to go the hell off while driving by leaving early and planning my trips properly. It works sometimes. When it doesn’t work is when I am leaving my second job and I am trying to get home before the idiots think it is okay to try to break into my house again and every damn light from the second job and home stops me. I am miserable. Absolutely miserable. I chant during these time patience and faith, faith and patience. However, usually by the fourth light I am in breakdown mode and I am screaming, cussing and near tears. Not a pretty sight. At. All. And when I leave my second job I try to practice being more patient. And I am finding the break downs being limited to about once or twice a week. Since I am getting to work on time I have mastered not screaming on the way to the day job, but baby if a train comes, OMG! I lose it. Last week I took a deep breath and practiced the chant, so I did good the first two delays by the train that week, but by Friday evening and I was waiting yet again for the train to go by I started cussing and then I started breathing deeply and gave the train 3 minutes and when the 3 minutes went by the train started speeding up and within 2 minutes I was on my way. Not too worse for wear, but it was getting there. So I thanked God for my small amount of patience.

I am a work in progress.

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6 thoughts on “Day 1 – Something you hate about your self

  1. I’ve noticed impatience in women a lot lately. My question is, what harm is there in waiting? Is getting worked up over a situation you may not be able to control really worth the physical and emotional toll it takes on your mind/body?

  2. Those are good questions BluJewel and my answer is because I have such a strong need to control all aspects of my life when things are beyond my control it throws off my balance. Which is why I am working on the breathing and chanting. Although I know I can’t control traffic or other people my personal need for control sometimes is just overwhelming.

  3. I have a friend who’s very much like you with control issues and it’s killing her right now. She’s seen what a detriment it has caused her and is now resenting being this way. It has robbed her a true/authentic happiness and being able to simply live and be. Keep up the breathing and chanting and finding ways to let go. Control is overrated

      • We all are 🙂 It’s my hope that you’ll overcome this…I’d like to two my two cents in the bucket on why you could potentially be like this…You mentioned that you were responsible for co-raising your siblings and didn’t feel like you had a say in that or certain things surrounding your childhood. I hazard a guess that from not having your say; “control” over those circumstances may have conditioned you into wanting control over things now.

        It’s been my experience that some of our behaviour or character traits stem from something in our childhood.

  4. BluJewel you hit it right on the head. My control issues do stem from childhood and I recognized it early enough to be self-aware of it. I am much more laid back then I used to be and I contribute that to taking care of my aunt. I learned what is truly important and a lot of the control habits are no longer an issue, except the road rage and a few other things. I am much kinder and gentler. I also have to say being with The Guy has helped considerably because of his laid back nature.

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