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Blogmas Day 21: Holiday/Winter Blues

Tis the season to be jolly and decking the halls, but this season for some people also brings on the blues. It’s a feeling of sadness which seems to come out of nowhere and envelops some people.  I find sometimes the holidays bring on a bit of melancholy and for the most part I can shake it off, but not everyone can.

This type of blues is a form of depression that can linger for some and move on with others. We all handle things differently and what may work for me may not work for you.  When I feel the holiday blues tapping on my shoulders, it is usually when the weather is dark, wet and cold.  I feel overwhelmed with negative emotions and all I want to see is the sun, no amount of Christmas decorations or songs can make it go away.  I know I didn’t get this feeling as much when I was able to give more.  I prefer to give presents and living on a tight budget doesn’t make it easy.  I love to see folk’s faces when they receive a thoughtful gift, now I am surrounded by folks who are my age or older watching the children and the elderly receive gifts.  I am not jealous; I am just upset I couldn’t do more.

Last year, Christmas Eve was bad. It stormed and we had flash floods all day.  My phone’s weather app was going off every hour stirring up my anxiety and scaring the shit out of me.  All I wanted was a Chic Fi la sandwich but because of the weather I didn’t dare leave the house.  The rain of the week had me all in my feelings.  I was sad.  No other words for it.  Yes, I missed my aunt and my uncle but I was just sad because the day was wet and dark.  However, Christmas morning was sunny and bright and my mood was much better.

A few years ago, it was another dark, overcast Christmas Eve and I was just upset all day. I felt alone, which is a rare feeling for me, an introvert.  I even had a boyfriend at the time.  Yet, I felt the sadness of being alone.  And the next day as I made my way over to my cousin’s house in the rain, I felt just blue and not because I was alone but just not my usual jolly loving Christmas self.  I think I felt like that because I had to go to work the next day, but still I was truly sad.  I remember going to bed that night thankful I made it through the day because I was seriously over Christmas.

I wrote all this to say there are people who deal with issues just like you do. The holiday blues are real and they haunt some of us for differing reasons.  Some years are better than others, but each time I have found my way to claw, crawl and emancipate myself from the darkness of my emotions.  I just wished it wasn’t dependent on whether the sun comes out or not.  The last couple of days my anxiety has been strong, but it has been raining off and on for days but looking out my office window today and seeing the sun has settled me some and I can only imagine what a few more days of sun will do for me.

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